SIRtire Humor

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Senior Humor

Regarding Memory:

  • Two senior men were smoking cigars at the dinner table after eating. One says, “We went to this wonderful restaurant today.”
    Which restaurant?
    I can’t remember the name of it… Wait, what’s that flower with the sharp thorns that can be red, white, or pink?
    His friend answers: “Rose?”
    “Yeah, that’s it.” He turns and calls into the living room: “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we went to today?”
  • My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
    And not only that but my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.


Regarding Aging:

  • “You know you’re a senior if you’re given two temptations
    and you choose the one that gets you home earlier.”
  • Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree. Ben turns to Joseph and says: ‘Joseph, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
    Joseph says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
    ‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
    ‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’


Regarding Sex:

  • A senior woman putting down a “Seniors & Sex” book lovingly asks her husband: “In our life together, do you remember if we ever had mutual orgasm?”
    Her husband thinks and says: “‘Mutual Orgasm?’ No, I think we always had Mutual of Omaha.”


Regarding Health:

  • Patient: “Doctor. As I get older I keep shrinking!”
    Doctor: “Well, you’ll just have to be a little patient then.”


Regarding Fishing:

  • “So how was the fishing trip?”
    It was great until I caught a fish.
    Too small?
    Well I thought it was a reasonable size until the Captain said, “That’s a nice fish you caught. Can I use it for bait?”
  • A woman goes fishing with her husband, and after about an hour she asks, “Do you have any more of those small plastic floats?”
    He asks, “Why?”
    She says, “Well, the one I’m using keeps sinking.”


Regarding Eyesight:

  • Doctor: Have your eyes ever been checked?
    Patient: No, they’ve always been blue,
  • Patient: Can you help me nurse, I’ve been seeing spots before my eyes?
    Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
    Patient: No, just spots.


Regarding Grand Parents:

  • A ten year old boy was stuck with his math homework:
    “Grandpa, could you help me with my math homework?”
    “I could, but it wouldn’t be right, would it?”
    “I don’t suppose it would Grandpa, but have a shot at it anyway.”


Regarding Dating:

  • An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid-eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”


Regarding Dying:

  • An elderly woman who never married decided to plan for her death. She left instructions that her tombstone should be etched with her final sentiments: “Born a Virgin, Lived a Virgin, Died a Virgin.” When she finally passed away, the stone mason found he couldn’t fit her bequest on the stone. So he changed it to: “Returned Unopened!”
  • “I know Harry’s getting on in years, but give it to me straight Doc, how is he?”
    “Let’s face it Grace, your husband is no spring chicken any more. If you want him to have a long productive life, you’re going to have to fix him healthy meals. no junk food, and make sure he gets plenty of sleep and exercise, and you should make love to him three times a day.”
    “Three times a day??”
    “Three times a day.”
    “So Grace, what did the doctor say?”
    “He says you’re going to die!”


Regarding Golf:

  • A wife asks her husband: “Harry, why don’t you play golf with Ted anymore?”
    He indignantly responds: “Would you play golf with someone who kept moving his ball while you weren’t looking?”
    “Of course not!”
    “Well, neither will Ted!”
  • “Daddy, Daddy, did you win at golf today?”
    “Well, let’s put it this way – I got to hit the ball more times than anybody else.”
  • After a whirlwind romance, a couple were on their honeymoon when he said, “Honey. I have a confession to make. I’m a golf nut. I play every weekend in the summer. You’ll hardly see me.”
    She took a breath and said, “Well I have a confession to make as well. I’m a hooker.”
    “That’s not a big deal,” he responded. “Just keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft…
    Today, it’s called golf!


Regarding Inebriation:

  • Having over-imbibed at his favorite establishment, a guy was swaying down the street trying to remember where he was going, when he noticed two nuns approaching. As they reached him, they split, one walking to the left, the other to his right. The drunk turned round, scratched his head and said, “Now, how did she do that?”


Regarding Marriage:

  • Two guys one old one young Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart When they collide.
    The old guy says to the young guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I wasn’t paying attention when we hit.”
    The young guy says, “That’s OK. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
    The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”
    The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
    To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”
  • A 75 year-old woman in a retirement home was admiring a 90 year-old man.
    “Why do you keep looking at me?”, he asked.
    “Well,” she responded, “you look just like my third husband.”
    “How many husbands have you had?”


What Ifs:

(A What If? seems like a fun way to explore alternatives.)
Directors’ Meeting:

“Director’s Meeting:”

I sometimes wonder “what if” our partners had a SIR organization of their own? What would life be like if we depended on them to provide a more diverse life style for us because they were members of their own group?
So, let’s envision and prepare for all the great ideas and activities that would be enjoyed by a companion group comprised of our partners. We can do this by attending a typical Directors’ meeting of the group.
This way to a Board Meeting of the Concord Chapter 9 Branch of “Daughters in Retirement.”


Sundry & Miscellaneous

Regarding:   Golf &; Dying   Bar Jokes
the lighter side of Pain

Regarding Golf & Dying:

  • Wife: “If I died, would you marry again?”
    Husband: “Yes, I believe I would.”
    Wife: “Would she live in this house?”
    Husband: “Yes, she would.”
    Wife: “Would you let her sleep in my bed?”
    Husband: “Yes, I guess I would.”
    Wife: “Would you let her use my golfclubs?”
    Husband: “Definitely not!”
    Wife: “Oh? Why not?”
    Husband: “Because she’s left-handed.”
  • Priding himself on being athletic and powerful, a golfer placed a strong grip on the 1 wood of his new set of titanium clubs, and flexing his muscles took a mighty swing from the tee. He sliced it deeply into a clump of trees.
    Non-nonchalantly, he strolled over to where the ball had disappeared. Finding it behind two trees he judged wide enough for him to pound his ball through, he took his perfectly balanced 3 wood and let loose another mighty drive. This one caromed off one tree, then another and wound up hitting him square in the temple alas, killing him.
    On his way up to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter saw him coming and observed: “Well, I guess you’re not such a good golfer.” whereupon the guy indignantly looked up at Saint Peter and said: “Hey, I got here in two didn’t I?”

Regarding Bar Jokes:

  • A penguin goes into a bar and asks the bartender: “Has my father been here?”

    The bartender looks at him and says, “I dunno, what does he look like?”